This Week's Horoscopes
Aries (March 21 - April 19):
You’ll finally make a breakthrough in your museum work this week when you realize that if you stare blankly into your director’s eyes long enough, they’ll just leave you alone. This newfound power will come in handy during your next performance review.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20):
You’re going to find love in the most unexpected of places this week: a windowless room filled with other desperate singles. Don’t worry, speed dating only feels like a hostage situation at first.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20):
The stars are aligned for you to make a bold museum career move. Unfortunately, the move will be to a new space two floors down in collection storage. But hey, at least the ceiling doesn’t drip in this one.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22):
A romantic evening with your partner will be interrupted when they start asking what your favorite part of the night is. Keep in mind, “the part when you fell asleep” is not the correct answer.
Leo (July 23 - August 22):
You’ll be filled with confidence and energy this week, and you’ll need every ounce of it when your landlord politely reminds you that “good vibes” don’t count as rent.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22):
Your need for control will reach new heights when you attempt to micromanage the weather for the museum outing. Rest assured, however, the rain will arrive precisely when you’ve finally decided to leave the building.
Libra (September 23 - October 22):
You’ll finally find balance in your life this week, but only because your wifi will cut out, forcing you to stare blankly at a wall for a few hours. Try not to enjoy the quiet too much.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21):
The universe will bestow a profound revelation upon you this week: Turns out, coffee doesn’t actually replace sleep. Who knew?
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21):
A new museum opportunity will present itself to you this week, but it’ll quickly disappear once it realizes you have absolutely no idea what you’re doing. Better luck next time.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19):
Your unwavering museum work ethic will be rewarded this week when you finally discover the one typo in your 14-page condition report—on the very last page. Congratulations on your new commitment to “perfectionism.”
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18):
You’re going to have a truly cosmic week when you realize that no matter how much you try, you still can’t remember the name of your museum's curator. But don’t worry; they also have no idea what yours is.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20):
The stars suggest taking time for self-care, but when they see your idea of “self-care” involves binge-watching reality TV until 3 a.m., they’ll just back away slowly and wish you the best.
You’ll finally make a breakthrough in your museum work this week when you realize that if you stare blankly into your director’s eyes long enough, they’ll just leave you alone. This newfound power will come in handy during your next performance review.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20):
You’re going to find love in the most unexpected of places this week: a windowless room filled with other desperate singles. Don’t worry, speed dating only feels like a hostage situation at first.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20):
The stars are aligned for you to make a bold museum career move. Unfortunately, the move will be to a new space two floors down in collection storage. But hey, at least the ceiling doesn’t drip in this one.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22):
A romantic evening with your partner will be interrupted when they start asking what your favorite part of the night is. Keep in mind, “the part when you fell asleep” is not the correct answer.
Leo (July 23 - August 22):
You’ll be filled with confidence and energy this week, and you’ll need every ounce of it when your landlord politely reminds you that “good vibes” don’t count as rent.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22):
Your need for control will reach new heights when you attempt to micromanage the weather for the museum outing. Rest assured, however, the rain will arrive precisely when you’ve finally decided to leave the building.
Libra (September 23 - October 22):
You’ll finally find balance in your life this week, but only because your wifi will cut out, forcing you to stare blankly at a wall for a few hours. Try not to enjoy the quiet too much.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21):
The universe will bestow a profound revelation upon you this week: Turns out, coffee doesn’t actually replace sleep. Who knew?
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21):
A new museum opportunity will present itself to you this week, but it’ll quickly disappear once it realizes you have absolutely no idea what you’re doing. Better luck next time.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19):
Your unwavering museum work ethic will be rewarded this week when you finally discover the one typo in your 14-page condition report—on the very last page. Congratulations on your new commitment to “perfectionism.”
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18):
You’re going to have a truly cosmic week when you realize that no matter how much you try, you still can’t remember the name of your museum's curator. But don’t worry; they also have no idea what yours is.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20):
The stars suggest taking time for self-care, but when they see your idea of “self-care” involves binge-watching reality TV until 3 a.m., they’ll just back away slowly and wish you the best.
