This Week's Horoscopes
By Celestia Stardust, Senior Astrologer & Purveyor Of Stargazing Wisdom
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19) Cicadas are making so much noise outside the museum that museum visitors are calling the police. Channel your inner detective and get to the bottom of the mystery – why are those bugs so darn loud? Once you've cracked the case, you can rest easy knowing that peace and quiet await.
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20) As Venus sidles up to Neptune in your financial sector, you may find yourself pondering life's great mysteries. Namely, who in the world dumped hundreds of pounds of pasta in a museum forecourt? While others may see a culinary conundrum, you see an opportunity. Turn this carb-laden conundrum into a fundraising opportunity. Just remember, al dente is a state of mind.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20): You might feel like you're stuck in a cosmic waiting room, flipping through outdated magazines and wondering when your number will be called. Sound familiar? It's like the bureaucratic purgatory of waiting for your unicorn license. But fear not, Gemini, your time will come, and when it does, it'll be more magical than a rainbow made of glitter.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22): Cancer, your concerned that museum scientists are spending grant money investigating why are cats scared of cucumbers. Take a cue from those courageous cats and confront your fears head-on. Whether it's a cucumber or commitment, face it with the same bravery our furry companions exhibit in the face of green, elongated vegetables
Leo (July 23 - August 22): This week you'll be as reliable as the North Star, guiding lost souls through the wilderness of life. One of these is the king of tribe in Africa who has returned to his job as your museum gardener and wants a pay increase.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22): Feeling a bit out of your element, Virgor? Just remember, like your neighbor living as a goat, sometimes embracing the unconventional can lead to a special kind of enlightenment. So, if life throws you a curveball, grab your horns and charge ahead!
Libra (September 23 - October 22): This week presents an opportunity for you to embrace the absurdity of museum life with open arms. From wardrobe malfunctions to impromptu karaoke sessions, expect the unexpected and relish in the hilarity of it all. And if you're feeling particularly adventurous, why not take a page from Kim Jong Un's book and offer to send your personal girl band to entertain the masses at the next museum opening?
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): With Venus aligning in your house of indulgence, Scorpio, your cravings for gourmet experiences may reach new heights. But beware of the museum café's latest delicacies. Sure, their avant-garde menu promises culinary innovation, but do you really want to a "Loss Of Life" waiver before sampling their new menu? Maybe stick to the classics for now.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Sagittarius, you're feeling confident, and rightfully so. This week, your charisma will be as potent as a freshly opened jar of pickles at a picnic. Embrace your boldness, but be wary of overdoing it. Remember, there's a thin line between confidence and accidentally wearing KFC's first-ever perfume to a gallery opening.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): The conjunction of Mercury and Uranus could lead to unexpected discoveries. Don't be surprised if you find yourself contemplating the strategic prowess of penguins playing chess in the Arctic. Remember, sometimes the best moves are made in the coldest of climates. Who would have thought that these tuxedo-clad creatures harbor such strategic prowess?
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Aquarius, this week the museum conservator spots a 'terrifying' clue that something sinister is living in her lab. Just be careful not to accidentally unleash an ancient curse while rearranging your reference bookshelf—it tends to put a damper on productivity.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Pisces, Just be sure to pick your battles wisely—especially if you find yourself face-to-face with a museum curator who's none too pleased that the new museum preparator mistakenly stapling labels to the gallery's walls. After all, not every act of incompetence is destined for the history books. Those staples are better suited for attaching love notes to your fridge than museum walls.
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19) Cicadas are making so much noise outside the museum that museum visitors are calling the police. Channel your inner detective and get to the bottom of the mystery – why are those bugs so darn loud? Once you've cracked the case, you can rest easy knowing that peace and quiet await.
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20) As Venus sidles up to Neptune in your financial sector, you may find yourself pondering life's great mysteries. Namely, who in the world dumped hundreds of pounds of pasta in a museum forecourt? While others may see a culinary conundrum, you see an opportunity. Turn this carb-laden conundrum into a fundraising opportunity. Just remember, al dente is a state of mind.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20): You might feel like you're stuck in a cosmic waiting room, flipping through outdated magazines and wondering when your number will be called. Sound familiar? It's like the bureaucratic purgatory of waiting for your unicorn license. But fear not, Gemini, your time will come, and when it does, it'll be more magical than a rainbow made of glitter.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22): Cancer, your concerned that museum scientists are spending grant money investigating why are cats scared of cucumbers. Take a cue from those courageous cats and confront your fears head-on. Whether it's a cucumber or commitment, face it with the same bravery our furry companions exhibit in the face of green, elongated vegetables
Leo (July 23 - August 22): This week you'll be as reliable as the North Star, guiding lost souls through the wilderness of life. One of these is the king of tribe in Africa who has returned to his job as your museum gardener and wants a pay increase.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22): Feeling a bit out of your element, Virgor? Just remember, like your neighbor living as a goat, sometimes embracing the unconventional can lead to a special kind of enlightenment. So, if life throws you a curveball, grab your horns and charge ahead!
Libra (September 23 - October 22): This week presents an opportunity for you to embrace the absurdity of museum life with open arms. From wardrobe malfunctions to impromptu karaoke sessions, expect the unexpected and relish in the hilarity of it all. And if you're feeling particularly adventurous, why not take a page from Kim Jong Un's book and offer to send your personal girl band to entertain the masses at the next museum opening?
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): With Venus aligning in your house of indulgence, Scorpio, your cravings for gourmet experiences may reach new heights. But beware of the museum café's latest delicacies. Sure, their avant-garde menu promises culinary innovation, but do you really want to a "Loss Of Life" waiver before sampling their new menu? Maybe stick to the classics for now.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Sagittarius, you're feeling confident, and rightfully so. This week, your charisma will be as potent as a freshly opened jar of pickles at a picnic. Embrace your boldness, but be wary of overdoing it. Remember, there's a thin line between confidence and accidentally wearing KFC's first-ever perfume to a gallery opening.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): The conjunction of Mercury and Uranus could lead to unexpected discoveries. Don't be surprised if you find yourself contemplating the strategic prowess of penguins playing chess in the Arctic. Remember, sometimes the best moves are made in the coldest of climates. Who would have thought that these tuxedo-clad creatures harbor such strategic prowess?
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Aquarius, this week the museum conservator spots a 'terrifying' clue that something sinister is living in her lab. Just be careful not to accidentally unleash an ancient curse while rearranging your reference bookshelf—it tends to put a damper on productivity.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Pisces, Just be sure to pick your battles wisely—especially if you find yourself face-to-face with a museum curator who's none too pleased that the new museum preparator mistakenly stapling labels to the gallery's walls. After all, not every act of incompetence is destined for the history books. Those staples are better suited for attaching love notes to your fridge than museum walls.