This Week's Horoscopes
By Celestia Stardust, Senior Astrologer & Purveyor Of Stargazing Wisdom
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Mars will be in retrograde this week, making it the perfect time to start that chain letter you've been thinking about. Remember, there's nothing like a pyramid scheme to really test the strength of your friendships.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You'll be spending a lot of time at work this week, Taurus, mostly because you accidentally glued yourself to your desk chair. On the bright side, your productivity will skyrocket, and your boss will finally take notice.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your dual nature will come in handy when you're asked to be in two places at once. Unfortunately, both places are mandatory jury duty. Consider investing in a good disguise.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You'll be feeling extra emotional this week, Cancer, especially when you realize you've been feeding your plants Gatorade for the last month. It's time to face the music and invest in some real plant food.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Your natural charisma will attract a lot of attention this week, Leo, particularly from a cult looking for a new leader. Embrace your destiny, but maybe read the fine print before signing any contracts.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Your meticulous nature will pay off when you discover a loophole in the space-time continuum. Use it wisely—perhaps to go back and prevent yourself from ever trying that DIY haircut.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Balance is key this week, Libra, especially when you're trying to balance three pizzas, two milkshakes, and a family-sized order of fries on your way to the couch. Remember, grace under pressure.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Your intense nature will draw you into a passionate argument over the correct way to load a dishwasher. Just remember, Scorpio, no one ever won an argument with a fork in their hand.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Adventure calls, Sagittarius! Unfortunately, it’s a wrong number, and the actual caller is someone trying to sell you a timeshare. Politely decline and stick to your original plan of binge-watching infomercials.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Your disciplined approach to life will be challenged when you realize your elaborate filing system is only comprehensible to you. Prepare to spend the week explaining the Dewey Decimal System to your confused family.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Your adventurous spirit will lead you straight into the path of a superhero shark. While your optimism is admirable, don’t underestimate the danger of an overgrown fish with a cape..
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Your artistic talents will be in full bloom this week, Pisces, much like the mold colony you've been cultivating in your refrigerator. Consider channeling your creativity into something a little less pungent.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Mars will be in retrograde this week, making it the perfect time to start that chain letter you've been thinking about. Remember, there's nothing like a pyramid scheme to really test the strength of your friendships.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You'll be spending a lot of time at work this week, Taurus, mostly because you accidentally glued yourself to your desk chair. On the bright side, your productivity will skyrocket, and your boss will finally take notice.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your dual nature will come in handy when you're asked to be in two places at once. Unfortunately, both places are mandatory jury duty. Consider investing in a good disguise.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You'll be feeling extra emotional this week, Cancer, especially when you realize you've been feeding your plants Gatorade for the last month. It's time to face the music and invest in some real plant food.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Your natural charisma will attract a lot of attention this week, Leo, particularly from a cult looking for a new leader. Embrace your destiny, but maybe read the fine print before signing any contracts.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Your meticulous nature will pay off when you discover a loophole in the space-time continuum. Use it wisely—perhaps to go back and prevent yourself from ever trying that DIY haircut.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Balance is key this week, Libra, especially when you're trying to balance three pizzas, two milkshakes, and a family-sized order of fries on your way to the couch. Remember, grace under pressure.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Your intense nature will draw you into a passionate argument over the correct way to load a dishwasher. Just remember, Scorpio, no one ever won an argument with a fork in their hand.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Adventure calls, Sagittarius! Unfortunately, it’s a wrong number, and the actual caller is someone trying to sell you a timeshare. Politely decline and stick to your original plan of binge-watching infomercials.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Your disciplined approach to life will be challenged when you realize your elaborate filing system is only comprehensible to you. Prepare to spend the week explaining the Dewey Decimal System to your confused family.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Your adventurous spirit will lead you straight into the path of a superhero shark. While your optimism is admirable, don’t underestimate the danger of an overgrown fish with a cape..
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Your artistic talents will be in full bloom this week, Pisces, much like the mold colony you've been cultivating in your refrigerator. Consider channeling your creativity into something a little less pungent.